Pirate! Read online

  For Lucy and Sam ~ D R

  For Taylor ~ A M

  Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  1 Pirate!

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 2

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  2 Burger!

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 2

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  3 Run!

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 2

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  Copyright

  CHAPTER 1

  “AHARRRR!” roared Bertie, swishing his cutlass. It was Pirate Day at school and everyone in Miss Boot’s class was dressing up. Bertie had always wanted to be a pirate. He would have his own ship – The Black Bogey. He’d live a pirate’s life; plundering, looting and never washing behind his ears.

  He marched in through the school gates. The pirates of Class 3 stood around, armed with plastic daggers and cutlasses. Eugene had a spotty scarf knotted round his head. Darren had a gold earring and a mouthful of black teeth. Captain Bertie greeted them.

  “AHARRR, mates!”

  “AHARRR!” they roared back.

  Bertie jumped on to a bench and put his telescope to his eye.

  “ENEMY AHOY!” he cried.

  Over by the drinking fountain sat the weediest pirate alive – Know-All Nick.

  Nick was Bertie’s sworn enemy. Only yesterday he’d put chewing gum on Bertie’s chair. Bertie had gone around all day with a big pink blob on his bottom. Well, now it was time for revenge.

  “Fire one!” Bertie ordered. A tennis ball whizzed through the air and pinged off Nick’s head.

  DOINK!

  “Nice shooting, lads!”cried Black-Eyed Bertie. “After him!”

  “AHARRRR!” yelled Darren and Eugene, swarming forward like rats.

  “OOO-ER!” yelped Nick, dropping his bag and legging it. But Bertie and his scurvy crew were too quick for him. In no time they had the enemy surrounded.

  “HELP!” wailed Nick. “I’ll tell Miss Boot!”

  Bertie’s cutlass poked him in the nose.

  “Surrender or die!” he cried.

  “I surrender!” gulped Nick, raising his hands.

  Bertie rolled his eyes. It was no fun having a sworn enemy as cowardly as Nick. He always gave in without a fight.

  “What shall we do with him?” asked Eugene.

  “Tie him up!” said Darren. “Make him do sums!”

  “Make him eat vegetables!” said Eugene.

  But Bertie had a better idea.

  “Start talking or we’ll tickle your toes!” he cried.

  Nick turned pale. He couldn’t bear anyone tickling his feet.

  “Please, not that!” he begged.

  “All right,” said Bertie. “Tell us where the treasure is.”

  “What treasure?”

  “All pirates have treasure,” cried Bertie. “Where did you hide it?”

  WHAM!

  Suddenly the school door flew open. The children gasped as a huge shadow fell over them. It was Miss Boot, the scourge of Class 3. She wore a feathered hat, enormous boots and a black patch over one eye.

  “Yikes!” yelped Bertie.

  “BERTIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” thundered Miss Boot.

  “Nothing!” said Bertie.

  “HELP! Miss! They’re being mean to me!” wailed Nick.

  Miss Boot bore down on them like a galleon in full sail.

  “IS THIS TRUE, BERTIE?” she boomed.

  “It was only a game, miss,” squeaked Bertie. “We’re playing pirates.”

  “ENOUGH!” bawled Miss Boot. “Line up, all of you. Not you, Bertie, come here!”

  She held out her hand. “I’ll have that sword if you don’t mind.”

  “But, miss, it’s my cutlass,” said Bertie.

  “No weapons in class,” snapped Miss Boot. “And that goes for the rest of you!”

  Class 3 filed past, handing in their daggers and water pistols. Miss Boot took the weapons to her cupboard, where she locked them up.

  “Get out your books,” she ordered. “You will all do sums for the next half-hour. Anyone who talks will see me.”

  Bertie groaned. He bet real pirates never did sums. Trust Miss Boot to spoil things, just when they were getting interesting.

  CHAPTER 2

  Know-All Nick rubbed his head and glared at Bertie. He would get that smelly scruffbag. Maybe he should put a worm down his back? But that was no good. Bertie wasn’t scared of worms, in fact the slimier the better. Maybe he could push him in a muddy puddle? But that wouldn’t work either – Bertie liked getting muddy. No, he needed a cunning plan, something that Bertie would never suspect.

  Wait, what had Bertie been babbling about earlier? Pirate treasure. Nick smiled to himself slyly. If it was treasure Bertie wanted, he would lead him right to it. All he needed was a map. He checked Miss Boot wasn’t looking and tore a sheet from his notepad. Now, where to make Bertie think the loot was buried? Somewhere forbidden like the girls’ toilets, or better still… Nick’s eyes lit up. He knew the perfect place. Just wait – Bertie was going to be in so much trouble!

  At lunch break, Bertie and his pirate crew prowled the playground.

  “Hello, Bertie!” trilled a voice.

  Bertie swung round. Curses, it was Angela Nicely! Angela lived next door and had been in love with him for ever.

  “Are you playing pirates?” she asked. “Can I play?”

  “No,” said Bertie. “Play with your own friends.”

  “They’re playing mummies and daddies,” grumbled Angela. “I want to be a pirate!”

  “Well you can’t,” said Bertie. “You’re not dressed like a pirate. Anyway, you’re a girl.”

  “Girls can be pirates,” said Angela.

  “No they can’t,” said Bertie. “I’m the captain and there are no girls on my ship.”

  Angela sniffed. “You can’t stop me,” she said. “If I want to be a pirate then I can, so there!”

  Bertie sighed. When he had his own ship Angela would be the first to walk the plank.

  Suddenly something whizzed through the air and bounced off his nose.

  BOINK!

  Bertie looked round. Who dared throw an apple core at the pirate king?

  “HA HA!” jeered a weedy voice. “Can’t catch me! Na na nee na na!”

  Know-All Nick ducked out of sight.

  “After him!” yelled Bertie.

  The chase was on. It didn’t last long because Nick was slower than a grandfather tortoise. Soon he found himself trapped with no escape.

  “Stay back! I’ll tell Miss Boot!” he panted.

  Bertie shook his head. “Not this time, she’s not on duty. Feeling ticklish, Nick?”

  “You wouldn’t!” said Nick.

  Bertie grabbed his arm. As Nick squirmed away something fell from his pocket. Darren pounced on it first.

  “AHARRR! What’s this?” he cried.

  “That’s mine,” said Nick. “Give it back!”

  Bertie held out his hand. “Let me see.”

  He unfolded the piece of paper. It was torn at the edges and brown with dirt. Bertie stared at it in amazement.

  “It’s a treasure map!”

  They all crowded round.

  “Look – a skull and crossbones!” said Bertie excitedly. “That means it’s a pirate treasure map.”

  He turned to Nick. “Where did you get this?”

  Nick shrugged. “If you must know, I found it inside an old book.”

  “I knew it!’ said Bertie excitedly. “This is probably thousands of years old.”

  Darren stared. “You mean there’s actual treasure? Like gold and diamonds and stuff?”

  �
�Of course,” said Bertie. “And I’ll tell you what else, it’s buried near by. That’s our school field.” He pointed to the map.

  Bertie and his pirate crew hurried off with Angela tagging behind. Know-All Nick watched them go and smiled to himself. His brilliant plan was working perfectly.

  CHAPTER 3

  “Right,” said Bertie, spreading out the map. “The treasure must be buried somewhere round here.” They were standing on the playing field, which Mr Grouch prepared in the summer for cricket.

  “But where?” asked Eugene. “We can’t dig up the whole field.”

  “I know!” cried Angela. “It’s X marks the spot!”

  “I was just about to say that,” said Bertie. “It’s X marks the spot – that’s where pirates always bury their treasure.”

  “You mean like there?” asked Eugene.

  Bertie looked closer at a small black X on the map. Someone had helpfully written “TREJUR” beside it.

  “That’s it!” Bertie cried. “Let’s start digging!”

  “Yes, but where exactly?” asked Darren. Bertie frowned. Map reading wasn’t really his strong point. He was much better at giving orders.

  “What about this clue?” cried Angela, pointing to some words scribbled on the map.

  Bertie read it out. “‘From Boot’s Lookout, twenty paces F.’”

  “Makes no sense,” said Darren. “What’s Boot’s Lookout?”

  They all looked blank.

  “Miss Boot!” cried Eugene. “She always sits in the same place on playground duty.”

  “The bench!” cried Bertie.

  They all hurried over. It was strange that an old pirate treasure map should mention Miss Boot, but Bertie was too busy reading the next part of the clue to worry about that.

  “‘Twenty paces F.’” He frowned.

  “Maybe it’s short for something,” said Darren. “Like twenty paces Friday.”

  “Or twenty paces, frog-face!” cried Angela.

  “Forwards!” yelled Eugene. “It means twenty paces forward.”

  Bertie stood with his back to the bench and paced out the steps.

  “Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, tw—” He stopped. They’d reached a small square of grass which was green and freshly mown. It was guarded by a large sign.

  “This is it,” said Bertie. “We dig here.”

  “The cricket pitch?” said Darren. “You’re joking! Mr Grouch will murder us.”

  Mr Grouch was very proud of his cricket pitch, which he mowed and watered every week. Anyone caught walking on the grass risked dying a horrible death.

  “Well, that’s it then,” sighed Darren.

  “We’re not giving up now!” said Bertie. “It’s buried treasure!”

  “Yes, but what if we get caught?” said Eugene.

  “We won’t,” replied Bertie. “We’ll fill in the hole so Mr Grouch will never know.”

  “Aren’t you forgetting one thing?” said Darren. “We haven’t got a spade.”

  Angela jumped up and down excitedly. “I know, I know! Follow me!”

  They followed her back to the playground and the caretaker’s shed. The door was open, but there was one problem – Mr Grouch. He was round the other side, dozing in his deckchair. Angela tiptoed fearlessly inside. A moment later, she handed three spades through the window.

  “What about Grouch?” asked Eugene, as they hurried away. “What if he wakes up and notices his tools are gone.”

  “Stop worrying,” said Bertie.

  “Someone can keep lookout from the bench.”

  They took a vote and elected Angela, who only agreed if she was allowed to hold the treasure map.

  “If you see Grouch coming, then whistle,” Bertie told her.

  “Okay, I’ll try,” said Angela. “But I’m not very good at whistling.”

  CHAPTER 4

  They began to dig. It was harder work than Bertie had expected. After ten minutes they were hot and sweaty.

  “I’m tired,” grumbled Eugene.

  “My arms ache!” moaned Darren.

  “Keep going,” panted Bertie. “It’s got to be here somewhere.”

  The digging went on. The hole got deeper and deeper. The pile of earth grew bigger and bigger.

  CLUNK!

  Bertie stopped. His spade had struck something hard.

  “I’ve found it!” he yelled. “Quick! Help me pull it out!”

  They scrabbled in the mud. There was something smooth and heavy, exactly like a treasure chest. This is it, thought Bertie, tugging at it. He’d be rich beyond his wildest dreams. Gold, diamonds, rubies… He could buy anything he wanted – a robot, a swimming pool, a year’s supply of ice cream…

  OOF! They heaved the heavy lump clear. Bertie stared. In front of him was a dirty great rock. He flopped down on the ground, exhausted.

  “What’s the matter, Bertie?” jeered a reedy voice. “Didn’t you find any treasure?”

  Know-All Nick stood over him, wearing a sickly smile of triumph.

  “I don’t understand,” moaned Bertie. “The map said to dig right here.”

  “I know!” sniggered Nick.

  “This has to be the place. X marks the spot,” said Bertie.

  “Oh, it’s the right place, all right,” grinned Nick. “I should know.”

  Bertie stared. Slowly, the terrible truth dawned on him. He’d been tricked! There was no treasure. The map was nothing but a rotten fake! That sneaky creep Nick had dreamed up the whole thing.

  Just then, Angela Nicely came running up, out of breath.

  “Pfft! Pfft!” she blew, trying to whistle.

  “Go away!” snapped Nick. “We’re busy.”

  “But listen,” panted Angela. “It’s…”

  “It was you!” shouted Bertie, glaring at Nick.

  “Of course it was me,” smirked Nick. “I drew the map and made sure you found it. You’re so stupid, I knew you’d fall for it.”

  “But… Why?” said Bertie.

  “So you’d get the blame, of course,” said Nick. “Wait until Mr Grouch sees his precious cricket pitch. You are so dead!”

  “But it’s all your fault!” argued Bertie.

  “I know,” gloated Nick. “But face it, no one’s ever going to believe you!”

  “Oh really?” growled a deep voice.

  Know-All Nick spun round. He turned as white as a sheet. Mr Grouch was standing right behind him, purple with fury.

  “I tried to tell you,” whispered Angela.

  Mr Grouch looked at the hole, then at Nick.

  “So this was your clever idea, was it? Well, let’s see what Miss Boot has to say about that!”

  “B-b-but … it wasn’t me! Bertie dug the hole!” stammered Nick.

  Mr Grouch scowled at Bertie and his friends. “As for you lot, I want this hole filled in before I get back.”

  He frogmarched Nick away, still wailing that he was innocent.

  Bertie waited until they’d gone and let out a long breath.

  “Um, poor Nick,” said Angela.

  “Yes, poor old Nick,” Bertie nodded. He looked at his pirate crew and broke into a grin.

  “AHARRRRR!” they cried.

  CHAPTER 1

  Bertie was squashed on the sofa with Suzy and Dad, staring at the TV. Captain Thunder was being chased by the Incredible Blob.

  “Zap him! Use your lightning laser!” yelled Bertie.

  Suddenly Mum burst into the room.

  “I’ve got some exciting news!” she cried.

  Bertie looked up. Perhaps school was closed for the week – or, even better, it had burned down? Maybe Miss Boot had been arrested for cruelty to children?

  “I’ve been asked to write for the Pudsley Post,” said Mum. “They want me to do a weekly restaurant review.”

  “Fantastic!” said Dad.

  “They want you to what?” said Bertie.

  “It means I go to a restaurant and write about it in the paper,” explained Mum. “They want
the first one soon, so I’m booking dinner for Saturday night.”

  “Great!” said Dad. “Can you take a guest?”

  “Yes,” said Mum. “And the best part is the paper pays the bill. We get a free meal!”

  Bertie pricked up his ears. A FREE meal? Why didn’t anyone say so before! He was always willing to eat out for free. What’s more he knew the perfect restaurant – Burger Madness. Darren said the Mighty Mega Cheeseburgers were so big he could hardly fit one in his mouth.

  “Can you choose any restaurant?” asked Bertie.

  “Of course,” said Mum.

  “Brilliant!” said Bertie.

  “Oh no,” said Dad. “We’re not taking you.”

  Bertie’s face fell. “Why not?”

  “Because whenever we take you out for dinner it always ends in disaster,” said Dad. “Remember last time?”

  Bertie did. He’d spilled Coke down Suzy’s dress and got a pea stuck up his nose. But that wasn’t his fault, it could have happened to anyone!

  “This time will be different!” he promised.

  “Out of the question,” said Dad.

  “What about me?” moaned Suzy. “I never get to eat in nice restaurants.”

  Mum looked at Dad. She’d been hoping for a romantic dinner for two. But it was true, they hardly ever ate out as a family. And if Suzy came they could hardly leave Bertie at home.

  “All right,” she sighed. “We’ll all go.”

  “YAAAAAY!” whooped Bertie.

  “But only on one condition,” said Mum. “You’re on your best behaviour.”

  “Okay!” said Bertie.

  “And you’re not going anywhere until you tidy your room.”

  “Okay, okay,” said Bertie. If it meant he could eat at Burger Madness he was willing to do anything – even tidy his room. He turned back to the TV.