Euuuugh! Eyeball Stew! Read online

  Illustrations by Mark Beech

  Contents

  1 Never Look a Rhino in the Eye

  2 Firestones are For Ever

  3 Flinted

  4 And Snark Makes Three

  5 Journey to Cloud Mountains

  6 The Big Cheat

  7 Frying Tonight

  8 Mud!

  9 Saving Snark

  10 Smooka!

  Long, long ago . . .

  Really ages ago. The world was a wild and barren place. There were no houses or shops, no schools or teachers, no cars, flushing toilets or peanut-butter sandwiches. So many things didn’t exist that to write them all down would fill every page of this book and leave no room for the story.

  If you want to imagine how the world was, imagine an endless landscape of mountains, forests, rocks and stones. In fact, stones lay everywhere, because this was . . .

  In the forests lived savage beasts – bears, snaggle-toothed tigers and woolly mammoths, which looked like elephants badly in need of a haircut. People generally avoided the forests. They lived together in tribes because it was safer that way and easier on the cooking. One such tribe was the Urks.

  The Urks were a warlike race with bushy beards and hairy legs – especially some of the women. Their clothes were made of animal skins and they lived in caves high on a hill, overlooking the Valley of Urk and the river winding through it. In one of these caves lived a boy called Iggy. He wasn’t the tallest or the hairiest in his tribe, but what he did have was imagination, and this got him into a whole heap of trouble. That of course is another story . . . Luckily it’s the story that’s about to begin . . .

  Chapter 1

  Never Look a Rhino in the Eye

  Something was definitely happening. All over the hill the Urks were emerging from their caves and hurrying down the slope towards the forest. Iggy caught sight of his best friend, Hubba, among the crowd.

  ‘What’s going on?’ he called.

  ‘Rhino!’ shouted Hubba excitedly. ‘Snark’s seen tracks in the forest!’

  Iggy didn’t need to hear any more; he plunged back into the cave to collect his weapons. If there was going to be a rhino hunt, he didn’t want to miss it. He had never actually seen a woolly rhinoceros, though of course he knew all about them. He knew they were fearsome beasts with sharp horns and tempers shorter than Hubba’s legs. He knew too that if an angry rhino charged you had better not get in its way.

  It was typical that it was Snark who’d spotted the tracks. Snark never tired of telling Iggy that (in his opinion) he was the best hunter in the tribe. But this was Iggy’s chance to prove him wrong. He had something that Snark didn’t. Slung over his shoulder, he carried the long curved stick that was his latest invention. So far there hadn’t been a real chance to try it out, but he was pretty certain it would prove deadly.

  When he caught up with the rest of the hunting party they were moving swiftly and silently through the forest. All the best hunters in the tribe were there including Iggy’s dad, Snark, Borg and even Hammerhead himself. The grizzled old chief rarely hunted these days but even he couldn’t resist the prospect of tracking a woolly rhino.

  ‘Where’s your spear?’ whispered Dad.

  ‘Oh, I left it at home. I’ve got this,’ said Iggy, unhooking the stick from his shoulder.

  ‘What the Urk’s that?’

  ‘A boo, I made it. It makes a kind of boo! noise when you shoot these arrow things.’

  He handed his dad one of the flint-tipped arrows he’d spent hours making. Dad grunted.

  ‘What’s wrong with a spear?’

  ‘Nothing, but these are better,’ said Iggy. ‘I’ve been practising. I can hit a tree nine times out of ten.’

  ‘We’re not hunting trees, boy.’

  ‘I know, but this will work. I know it will.’

  ‘Humph!’ said Dad. ‘Just don’t go pointing her at anyone.’ He walked away, shaking his head and muttering under his breath.

  Iggy sighed. His last idea had been the jawbone clatterpult – which even he had to admit was not a total success.

  It was brilliant if you were hunting, say, a toad or a lizard, but not much use if you were faced with a stampeding mammoth. Nevertheless it had given him the idea for something better. If you could shoot stones, he reasoned, then why not other things like little spears? It had taken weeks of work and patience but finally he had perfected the boo and arrow. He tested the boo string for the hundredth time. It was made from animal gut and made a satisfying twang when you let it go. He imagined taking aim at a huge woolly rhino as it came bursting through the trees. Maybe today would be the day?

  Hammerhead and the others were squatting down, studying something in the mud.

  ‘Fresh tracks. It come this way,’ said Dad, tracing the outline of some large footprints.

  ‘Rhino?’ asked Hammerhead.

  ‘Well, it’s not a rabbit. What you want us to do, Chief?’

  Hammerhead scratched his beard. The truth was he didn’t really have any kind of plan. He was hoping they would run into the rhino and kill it, preferably without having to get too close.

  ‘We’re wasting us time, we should drive her to the Crags,’ said Borg impatiently.

  Hammerhead stood up and gave him an icy stare.

  ‘Where’s your whalebone necklace?’ he asked.

  ‘Uh? I doesn’t have one,’ replied Borg.

  ‘But I has; that’s why I’m Chief,’ said Hammerhead. ‘We do as I say, right?’

  Borg nodded sulkily.

  ‘So what are we doing, Chief?’ repeated Iggy’s dad.

  Hammerhead considered, glancing up at the grey sky.

  ‘We’ll drive her to the Crags.’

  Mammoth Crags lay beyond the forest – a tall dome of brown rock rising above a valley. It was a favourite hunting ploy of the Urks to climb the Crags and lie in wait. When the rhino passed by they would launch their attack, raining down rocks and spears from above. It was simple but effective, with the added advantage that no one got killed (apart from the rhino). The only downside of the plan was that someone had to drive the beast out of the forest and towards the Crags. Iggy wondered which poor fool the Chief was going to pick.

  One hour later he was tramping through the forest, beating the undergrowth with a stick. His arm ached and he was sweating. So far the only beast he and Hubba had flushed out was a startled frog. Iggy had come on the hunt hoping to impress everyone with his new invention, but this way they wouldn’t even take part in the kill. He waded through cold muddy water, cutting with his stick at a clump of tall reeds. Suddenly he was startled by something that leapt out. He caught a glimpse of red hair and wide, frightened eyes. A girl. The next moment she was off, scrabbling up the bank and crashing through the trees.

  ‘HEY, WAIT!’ yelled Iggy. He signalled to Hubba and the two of them gave chase.

  They plunged through the forest, dropping their sticks and weaving through the trees. Iggy forgot all about the woolly rhino – all he could think about was catching up with the girl. He lost sight of her, then saw a flash of red hair up ahead.

  Finally they emerged from the trees and stood panting for breath. They had reached the dusty valley where the river had dried up. Just ahead were Mammoth Crags, the dark rocks rising to a dizzy height. Iggy could see the hunting party crouched on top, making a hopeless attempt to keep out of sight. Just short of the Crags he caught sight of the red-haired girl. She was standing perfectly still, gazing at something to her left. Iggy turned his head and saw it: a huge male rhino, shaggy and brown, moody as an ogre with toothache. The girl gazed spellbound at the rhino and it looked right back. Iggy tried to remember what you should do in this kind of situation. He was pretty sure it wasn’
t challenge the rhino to a staring match.

  Woolly Rhinoceros

  Size: Huge. Up to 3.5 metres long

  Weight: 4 tonnes (as heavy as 50 Urks)

  Diet: Mosses, herbs, low-growing plants

  Features: Long fur, thick legs, short temper

  Weapons: Pair of wickedly sharp horns

  Speed: Up to 30 miles an hour on the charge

  Things NOT TO do if a rhino charges:

  a) Turn your back

  b) Do your hilarious rhino impression

  c) Shout ‘Hey, big nose! Can’t catch me!’

  The rhinoceros tossed back its head and stirred the dust with one of its massive feet.

  ‘It’s going to charge,’ whispered Hubba.

  Iggy nodded. ‘Why doesn’t she run?’

  ‘Maybe she’s too tired.’

  Iggy couldn’t bear to watch any longer.

  ‘RUN!’ he shouted. ‘RUN!’

  The red-haired girl didn’t seem to hear – either that or she was frozen with terror. Iggy quickly unhooked the boo from his shoulder and took aim with one of his arrows. He hesitated. The rhino’s hide was tough as armour. One arrow might not be enough to bring it down and there would be no time to shoot a second. He couldn’t risk it. There was only one chance and that was to reach the girl before it was too late.

  The rhino lowered its head, snorted and lumbered forward. Iggy didn’t stop to think. He set off, running fast across the stony ground.

  ‘Iggy, no!’ cried Hubba.

  The girl turned her head towards him, her eyes wide and frightened. The ground shook like an earth tremor as the rhino gained speed, pounding towards her. The curved horn on its snout was aimed at her ribs, ready to toss her high into the air. Iggy didn’t know if he would make it. At the last moment he threw himself through the air on top of the girl. They hit the ground with a thud. A second later the rhino thundered past in a storm of dust, so close that Iggy could have counted its horny toenails.

  He sat up and looked around, still shaking. The red-haired girl coughed and spat out a mouthful of dirt. Luckily for them woolly rhinos have short memories and brains the size of a sultana. This one had already forgotten them and was chewing on a straggly plant underneath the brown cliffs.

  ‘NOW!’ yelled a voice. Iggy looked up in time to see a giant boulder come hurtling down.

  KADUUUUUUNK!

  It landed just short of the rhino, shattering into a million pieces. The creature turned its head and grunted as if this kind of thing happened all the time. It ambled lazily back towards the forest.

  Iggy looked up at the faces peering over the rocks.

  ‘Huh!’ said Hammerhead. ‘Told you it’d never work!’

  Chapter 2

  Firestones are For Ever

  Mum was not impressed. She was expecting some nice rhino meat for supper, but instead Iggy had returned with an extra mouth to feed. He could tell she was annoyed by the way she kept stabbing at the fire with a stick.

  ‘Who is she?’ she scowled.

  ‘I’m not sure,’ replied Iggy. ‘Her name’s Oosha. She almost got trampled by a woolly rhino. I think she’s a bit upset.’

  ‘Upset? I’ll give her upset!’ snapped Mum, brandishing her stick. ‘What am I meant to feed her? And where’s she gonna sleep, I’d like to know?’

  ‘Well . . . with us,’ said Iggy.

  ‘Talk sense, boy! There’s no room.’

  True the cave had got a bit cluttered lately, what with all the sticks, feathers and flints that Iggy needed for making arrows. But he could tidy up, or at least shove all the mess to the back.

  ‘She could be anyone! A savage!’ grumbled Mum. ‘What if we wake up an’ find we’re all dead?’

  ‘We won’t!’ sighed Iggy. ‘Anyway, if you’re dead you won’t wake up.’

  He broke off. Oosha had come out of the cave, where she had been trying to get some rest. She was about Iggy’s age with bright red hair woven into braids. Most of the girls Iggy knew had hair the colour of mud (apart from Umily, the Chief’s daughter).

  Oosha went over to Iggy’s mum and reached out a hand, touching her cheek.

  ‘Putty,’ she said.

  ‘Uhh?’ frowned Mum. ‘Who’s she calling potty?’

  ‘Pretty,’ said Iggy. ‘She said you’re pretty.’

  ‘Don’t talk soft.’ Mum went back to stabbing the fire but Iggy could tell she was pleased.

  After supper they made up a bed of furs for their visitor near the back of the cave. Mum kept a hunting axe beside her during the night – just in case.

  Next morning when Iggy woke up the girl had gone. Her furs lay neatly folded in a pile. He found her outside the cave where she already had a fire going. It seemed like a good chance to try and find out a bit more about her.

  ‘I’m Iggy,’ he began. ‘We are Urks.’

  Oosha looked puzzled.

  ‘This is our home – the Valley of Urk.’ He pointed to the hillside with its rocks and caves. Oosha laughed. She probably hadn’t the faintest idea what he was talking about. He tried again.

  ‘Where do you come from?’ he asked. ‘WHERE – OOSHA – FROM?’

  Oosha pointed at him. ‘Iggy!’

  ‘Yes, I’m Iggy . . .’

  ‘Iggy brave!’

  ‘Yes . . .’

  ‘Save Oosha life!’

  ‘I know,’ said Iggy. ‘But what about you? WHERE IS YOUR HOME? HOME?’ He pointed to his cave. Oosha seemed to grasp his meaning. She dragged him to the edge of the hill and pointed beyond the forest to a range of blue-grey mountains in the distance.

  ‘That’s where you live – the Cloud Mountains?’

  Oosha nodded.

  ‘But who are your tribe?’

  ‘Henna!’

  Henna. Iggy had never heard of such a tribe, but then again he’d never been as far as the Cloud Mountains. He had only seen them on a clear day when there was a break in the rain or fog.

  ‘My father mighty big cheat,’ said Oosha.

  ‘Cheat?’

  ‘Yes. Big Cheat of Henna!’

  ‘I think she means Big Chief.’ Iggy turned to see that his dad was awake and had been listening to their conversation. At least they were starting to get somewhere. If Oosha was a chief’s daughter, then she must be important. People would be looking for her. But what was she doing wandering around in the forest getting herself chased by woolly rhinos? Iggy tried another question.

  ‘How did you find us?’

  ‘Oosha lost.’

  ‘You lost your tribe?’

  Oosha nodded. ‘I scare. Then I see hairy nossrus. I scare to sick.’

  ‘And that were when Iggy saved you?’ said Dad.

  Oosha looked at Iggy with shining eyes. ‘Iggy brave. Brave worrier.’

  Iggy went a little pink. He’d been called a lot of things, but never a brave worrier before. Not even by Umily when he had rescued her from the terrible Slimosaur.

  Oosha was taking off one of the long necklaces she wore. She held it out to him. It had a single crimson stone which sparkled like morning frost. Iggy had never seen anything so beautiful in all his life.

  ‘For you, Iggy,’ said Oosha. ‘Oosha make thank.’

  ‘It’s amazing,’ said Iggy. ‘What is it?’

  ‘Firestone,’ answered Oosha. ‘She bring you good luck.’

  Iggy wore the red firestone proudly round his neck, over the wolf-fang necklace that he’d been given when he became a Son of Urk. It drew admiring looks from the rest of the tribe. Yet over the next few days he was dissappointed to find that he wasn’t the only person to own one of the beautiful stones. Oosha seemed to give them away freely to anyone she met. Other members of the tribe took to wearing firestones on bracelets, necklaces, or even dangling from their ears. Hammerhead was overheard talking to his daughter about the red stones and wondering if someone might want to make him a gift of one.

  Normally the Urks were suspicious of outsiders, but as the days turned to weeks, they gr
ew used to Oosha’s presence and even began to accept her. They liked her friendly smile and the funny way she talked. The women sat happily while she braided their hair or combed it with an old fishbone. The men liked the way she listened to their hunting stories, gasping when they described how they’d overcome a woolly mammoth by tying its trunk in knots. Not everyone was impressed with the newcomer, however, as Iggy found out when he bumped into Umily, the Chief’s daughter. The two of them had become close friends after the adventure with the Slimosaur, but since Oosha’s arrival Iggy had seen little of Umily.

  ‘Huh! You as well,’ Umily grunted, pointing to the stone round his neck.

  Iggy touched it. ‘Oosha gave it to me. Isn’t it beautiful?’

  Umily shrugged. She didn’t seem that impressed.

  ‘Oosha says her people call them firestones,’ explained Iggy.

  ‘Good for Oosha,’ said Umily. She walked faster, heading up the hill towards her cave. Iggy tried to keep up with her.

  ‘Why don’t you like her?’ he asked.

  ‘Who said I doesn’t?’

  ‘It’s pretty obvious. You’ve hardly spoken to her.’

  ‘So? What’s it to you?’

  ‘I just want to know, that’s all.’

  Umily sighed wearily and turned to face him.

  ‘All right, tell me one thing,’ she said. ‘What’s she want?’

  Iggy looked puzzled. He spread his hands. ‘Nothing!’

  ‘No?’ said Umily. ‘All them firestones she gives away. Why? What’s she after?’

  Iggy stared. He couldn’t believe Umily could be so suspicious. ‘Maybe she’s grateful I saved her life,’ he said. ‘Maybe she’s the kind of person who likes giving presents.’

  Umily snorted.

  ‘Anyway,’ said Iggy, ‘ I don’t see why you’re so cross.’

  ‘CROSS?’ said Umily, turning on him. ‘I’M NOT CROSS! I COULDN’T CARE LESS!’

  She stomped off up the hill as if the grass needed flattening. Iggy stared after her with his mouth open.

  Chapter 3