Spider! Read online

  CONTENTS

  TITLE PAGE

  DEDICATION

  SPIDER!

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  NITWIT!

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  GOLD!

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  COPYRIGHT

  MORE BERTIE STORIES!

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  “YAAAARGHHH!”

  Mum’s scream made Bertie drop his spoon in his Wheeto Flakes. He rushed upstairs to find his family on the landing.

  Mum was standing outside the bathroom wrapped in a towel.

  “There’s a spider in the bath!” she cried.

  “Is that all?” Dad laughed. “I thought it was something serious!”

  “You haven’t seen the spider,” said Mum.

  Suzy shuddered. “UGH! I hate spiders.”

  “Can I see it?” begged Bertie.

  “No, you keep out of the way, Bertie, I’ll deal with this,” said Dad.

  He marched into the bathroom.

  A moment later he marched back out again, looking shaken.

  “That’s a really big spider,” he admitted.

  “I told you,” said Mum. “Well, aren’t you going to do something?”

  “Yes, you can’t just leave it in the bath,” said Suzy.

  “Okay, okay, I’m working on it,” replied Dad. It wasn’t that he was scared of spiders, he just wasn’t very keen on picking them up.

  “I can catch it for you!” cried Bertie.

  Mum and Dad looked at each other. Clearly neither of them were about to go back in and tackle the spider.

  “Well, okay,” sighed Dad. “But for goodness’ sake don’t let it escape.”

  Bertie hurried off to fetch his school lunch box. It was the perfect size for a spider trap. He crept into the bathroom on tiptoe.

  “WOAH! It’s massive!” he cried.

  “Just get rid of it,” groaned Mum. “And hurry up, I’m freezing to death!”

  The spider was sitting halfway up the bath. It was dark, hairy and almost as big as Bertie’s hand. Bertie wasn’t scared of spiders though, and this one was a real whopper. Maybe it was a rare species – a King Kong spider or a giant vampire spider perhaps?

  Bertie got into the bath with his lunch box at the ready.

  “It’s okay, Mr Spider, I won’t hurt you,” he whispered.

  SLAM! He brought down the box. The spider made a run for it but Bertie was too quick for him.

  “GOT YOU!” he cried, jamming on the lid.

  His family were waiting outside.

  “Well? Did you get it?” asked Suzy.

  “Yes,” said Bertie, holding up the box. “Look, he’s a monster!”

  “EWWW!” yelled Suzy.

  “Take it away!” shrieked Mum.

  Bertie couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. It was only a spider – anyone would think it was a man-eating python or something!

  “Please, just get rid of it,” said Dad.

  “Can’t I keep it?” asked Bertie.

  “NO!” cried everyone at once.

  “Just for a few days?” pleaded Bertie. “I’ve never had a pet spider.”

  “Absolutely not,” said Mum. “And before you get any ideas, don’t try hiding it in your room.”

  “Let it go in the garden,” said Dad. “And then you better get off to school.”

  Bertie sighed. You’d think his parents would be pleased he wanted to look after a poor homeless spider. Weren’t they always saying he should be kind to all living creatures?

  He took the lunch box out to the front garden and removed the lid.

  “Sorry, Mr Spider, I’m not allowed to keep you,” he sighed.

  The spider clung to the bottom of the box.

  It was a pity no one at school would ever see him, thought Bertie. Darren and Eugene would be dead impressed. Know-All Nick would probably faint with fright. It was no use though, his mean parents refused to have the spider in the house. But hang on a moment, they hadn’t said anything about other houses. Bertie smiled and replaced the lid. All he needed was someone to look after his spider for a little while – and luckily he knew just the person.

  DING DONG!

  Bertie rang Gran’s doorbell. He was late for school but this wouldn’t take a minute.

  Gran answered the door wearing her dressing gown.

  “Bertie, what are you doing here?” she asked. “Is something the matter?”

  “No, I just wanted to ask you something,” replied Bertie.

  “Can’t it wait?” sighed Gran. “I’ve only just got up.”

  “It’s sort of urgent,” said Bertie. “Can you look after something for me?”

  He held out the plastic lunch box. The lid had rows of tiny air holes, which Bertie had made with a fork. Gran could see a dark something moving inside.

  “What is it?” she asked. “It’s not a mouse?”

  “Of course not, it’s my pet spider,” said Bertie. “I’m calling him Tickler.”

  “Let’s have a look then,” said Gran. She took the box a little cautiously and lifted the lid.

  “WAAAH!” She dropped it quickly. “Are you trying to scare me to death?”

  Bertie picked up the box and scooped Tickler inside.

  “I found him in the bath,” he explained. “Or actually Mum found him but she won’t let me keep him.”

  “I’m not surprised,” said Gran.

  “So anyway, can you look after him for a bit?” asked Bertie.

  “Not likely!” said Gran. “I’m not having that thing in the house. It’ll give me nightmares. Why can’t you have a pet hamster like other children?”

  “Mum says Whiffer is enough trouble,” replied Bertie.

  “Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t help you,” said Gran. “If you want my advice, let that spider go. Now, aren’t you late for school?”

  Bertie put the lunch box back in his bag and trailed off down the road.

  At the school gates he caught up with Darren and Eugene.

  “What happened to you?” asked Eugene.

  “Sorry, I had to ask my gran about something,” explained Bertie. “But wait till you see what I’ve got.”

  He brought out the lunch box and carefully lifted the lid.

  Darren and Eugene stared boggle-eyed.

  “WOAH! That’s ginormous!” cried Darren.

  “Where did you get him?” asked Eugene.

  “He was sitting in the bath,” replied Bertie. “He’s called Tickler.”

  “Maybe he’s a tarantula?” suggested Darren. “They’re the biggest spiders in the universe!”

  “And the deadliest,” added Eugene. “Aren’t tarantulas meant to be poisonous?”

  “Probably,” said Bertie. “I’ve never had one. Do you think he is a tarantula?”

  They all stared at Tickler – who seemed quite harmless for a deadly spider. All the same, owning a pet tarantula would be brilliant, thought Bertie. His classmates would have to treat him with more respect. Know-All Nick wouldn’t dare call him “bogey nose” ever again.

  “Wait, you’re not bringing him to school, are you?” said Eugene.

  “Why not?” asked Bertie.

  “Because Miss Boot will go crackers if she sees him.”

  “She won’t see him,” replied Bertie.

  “Well, be careful,” warned Darren. “If he is a tarantula, he better not escape.”

  “Relax,” said Bertie. “It’s all under control.”

  Obviously he wasn’t going to let a giant tarantula loose in school – he wasn’t that stupid!

  During morning lessons, Bertie kept the lunch box under his desk where he could keep an eye on Tickler. Eugene had found The Bumper Book of Bugs on the class bookshelf, which had a double page on spiders. It made interesting reading. Bertie had no idea tarantulas were so huge and scary.

  Yikes! thought Bertie. The spider in the picture wasn’t something you’d want crawling up your leg. Tickler wasn’t that big but maybe he was still a baby?

  At break time, Bertie and his friends headed for a bench in the playground. Bertie took out his lunch box.

  “Don’t let him out!” cried Eugene in alarm.

  “I’m not,” said Bertie. “I’m just checking he’s all right.”

  “Has he eaten anything?” asked Darren.

  Bertie shook his head. He’d left Tickler a piece of cheese but it was still untouched. It was a pity he didn’t have any grasshoppers or beetles.

  “What are you looking at?”

  Bertie looked up to see Royston Rich, the biggest boaster in the class. He snapped the lid back on the box.

  “If you must know it’s a spider,” he said. “He’s called Tickler and he’s a tarantula.”

  “OH, HA HA!” scoffed Royston. “As if you’d have a tarantula! I don’t think so!”

  “You haven’t seen him,” said Darren. “He’s almost as big as your head.”

  Royston folded his arms. “Prove it. Let me see,” he demanded.

  Bertie considered it. A pet tarantula could turn out to be very useful.

  “I can’t let you see him for free,” he said. “What have you got?”

  Royston rolled his eyes. He reached into his bag and handed over a fudge bar.

  Bertie put it in his pocket. Checking that no teachers were around, he li
fted the lid.

  “WOAH!” squawked Royston. “That’s a monster!”

  “Told you,” said Bertie. “He’s a tarantula.”

  “How do you know?” asked Royston.

  “We read it in a book,” said Darren.

  Bertie decided they should have some fun with Royston.

  “Did you know that tarantulas can bite?” he asked.

  “C-can they?” gulped Royston.

  “Oh yes, if a tarantula bites you, your face turns yellow and all your teeth fall out,” said Bertie.

  Royston took a step back. “I … um … better be going,” he said, hurrying off.

  “You made that up,” said Eugene. “It wasn’t in the book.”

  “I know,” grinned Bertie, “but Royston doesn’t.”

  This was brilliant. He could make up anything he liked and everyone would believe it.

  Before long, word spread around the playground and a queue formed. Bertie was offered sweets and crisps to see the deadly tarantula.

  “So where’s this scary spider, then?”

  Bertie smiled. He might have guessed Know-All Nick would poke his nose in sooner or later.

  “He’s in the box,” said Bertie.

  “I bet it’s not a tarantula at all,” sneered Nick. “It’s probably just a dopey daddy-long-legs.”

  “It’s a tarantula,” said Bertie.

  “Liar, liar, pants on fire!” chanted Nick.

  Bertie scowled. “Look, smelly-pants, do you want to see him or not?” he demanded.

  Nick pulled a face and handed over half a jelly snake. Bertie added it to his growing pile of goodies.

  “You have to come close,” said Bertie. “But be careful, he might jump on you.”

  Bertie lifted the lid as Nick peered inside.

  “G-golly!” gulped Nick. “That’s a big one!”

  “Tarantulas are the biggest and the deadliest,” said Bertie.

  Nick bent his head a little closer.

  “He’s not moving,” he said. “Are you sure he’s alive?”

  “Oh, he’s alive all right,” said Bertie.

  He tapped the box and Tickler suddenly scuttled to the other end.

  “YEEAAAARGHHH!” wailed Nick, leaping back in fright. “You did that on purpose! I’m telling Miss Boot!”

  “You better not,” warned Bertie. “Or I might put a tarantula down your trousers.”

  “You wouldn’t!” gasped Nick.

  “Try me,” said Bertie. “Do you know what happens when you’re bitten by a tarantula?”

  Nick didn’t but he wasn’t waiting to find out. He ran off as fast as he could.

  Bertie took a bite of the jelly snake. This was a gold mine, he thought. With a few more Ticklers he could open a spider zoo and make a fortune!

  Back in class, everyone settled into their seats. Bertie noticed that Trevor and Amanda had moved further away from him. Clearly they weren’t too keen on sharing the classroom with a tarantula. While Miss Boot wrote maths questions for the class, Bertie took the chance to check on Tickler.

  HELP! OH PANTS! OH NO! He’d escaped!

  Bertie emptied out his bag on the floor. No Tickler.

  “What are you doing?” asked Eugene.

  “I can’t find Tickler!” hissed Bertie.

  “What? You’re joking!”

  “No! He’s not in his box!” muttered Bertie.

  Bertie looked under his chair with growing panic. It was one thing scaring his classmates – it was another having a tarantula loose in the classroom. What if Tickler crawled up somebody’s leg? What if he actually bit them? They might really turn yellow or even drop dead on the spot! Miss Boot would guess he was to blame. Who else would bring a deadly spider into school?

  As Miss Boot droned on, Bertie slid down under his desk. There was no sign of Tickler. Bertie inched forwards on his hands and knees, searching the floor.

  “Here, Tickler! Where are you?” he whispered.

  “BERTIE!” boomed Miss Boot.

  Bertie froze. Now he was for it.

  “Come out from there!” ordered Miss Boot.

  Bertie struggled to his feet.

  “WELL?” thundered Miss Boot. “What were you doing?”

  “Nothing,” mumbled Bertie. “I just lost something.”

  “Speak up!” snapped Miss Boot. “What have you lost?”

  “My um … my pet spider,” admitted Bertie.

  The class gasped.

  “IT’S A GIANT TARANTULA! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” wailed Nick.

  Panic swept through the class as children screamed and leaped to their feet. They fled to Miss Boot, clinging to her for protection. Know-All Nick climbed on to a desk and tried to escape through the window. Bertie hadn’t seen chaos like this since the time Whiffer did something in Royston’s swimming pool.

  “QUIET!” thundered Miss Boot. “Everyone calm down and look on the floor.”

  Out of the corner of his eye, Bertie saw something scuttle out from a desk. Tickler! Miss Boot saw him too. Cutting him off, she brought her hand down on the spider. The class held their breath. They waited for her to scream, turn yellow and drop dead on the spot. But Miss Boot did none of these things. She lifted Tickler up and dropped him into a plastic cup on her desk.

  “For your information, Bertie, this is NOT a tarantula,” she said. “Tarantulas are much bigger and they live in the rainforest. This is just a common house spider. It couldn’t bite you if it tried.”

  “You lied!” bleated Nick. “I gave you half my jelly snake.”

  “And I gave you my fudge bar,” said Royston.

  “Did you indeed?” said Miss Boot. “Well, I’m sure Bertie will be only too happy to return anything he took. But first I have a job for him. Come here, Bertie.”

  Bertie trailed out to the front.

  “Take this horrid creature and get rid of it,” ordered Miss Boot. “I never ever want to see it in school again.”

  Bertie headed down the corridor with Tickler back in his box. This time the spider would have to go for good… Or would he? At the main door Bertie paused and turned round. An idea had come to him. There was one place in school Miss Boot would never look for Tickler. And better still, Bertie would be able to visit him whenever he liked.

  Bertie’s gran often dropped round for tea in the afternoon. Today she’d brought along a large package wrapped in silver paper.

  “What have you got there, Gran?” asked Suzy.

  “Actually, it’s a little present for Bertie,” said Gran. “I know it’s a bit late for Christmas but I hope he likes it.”

  A present? Bertie didn’t mind getting presents at any time of year! What could it be? Maybe the Worm Farm he’d been saving up to buy or the Super Stinker Stinkbomb Kit his parents had refused to get him. He tore off the wrapping.

  “A jumper,” he said flatly.

  “I knitted it myself,” Gran smiled.

  Bertie could have guessed that by the number of holes in it. He held up the huge baggy jumper, which was the colour of school custard. A row of fluffy white lambs skipped across the front. Bertie thought it was probably the worst jumper in the history of jumpers.

  “Aww, isn’t that lovely?” cooed Mum. “What do you say, Bertie?”

  “Um, thanks, Gran,” mumbled Bertie.

  “Try it on!” cried Suzy eagerly.

  Bertie glared at his sister – she was obviously enjoying this. Reluctantly, he pulled it on. The sleeves dangled down and it hung to his knees. It was more like a dress than a jumper!

  “It’s too big!” he protested.

  “Nonsense, you’ll soon grow into it,” said Mum.

  “It’s meant to be big, that’s the style these days!” beamed Gran.

  “And the little lambs are so sweet,” grinned Suzy. “Why don’t you wear it to school tomorrow?”

  Wear it to school? You must be joking! thought Bertie.

  “I’m not allowed to wear jumpers,” he said. “It’s against the rules.”

  “Don’t be silly,” said Mum. “You often wear a jumper to school.”

  “But not like this, mine are all brown!” said Bertie.

  “Then it will make a nice change,” said Suzy. “I bet none of your friends has got a jumper like that.”