Bogeys! Read online

  “Then share with Darren.” Miss Boot glared at him. “Work as a group to answer the questions. And Bertie?”

  “Yes, Miss?”

  “Do not touch anything. Not even the door handles.”

  Bertie trailed after Darren, Eugene and Sandra.

  “Why can’t I be the one to write the answers?” grumbled Sandra.

  “It’s my pencil,” said Darren.

  “Can’t I borrow it?”

  “No.”

  “Please?”

  “No.”

  “You’re mean and ugly and I hate you,” said Sandra. “I want to be in Lucy’s group.”

  Bertie looked over Darren’s shoulder. “How many have we done so far?”

  Darren checked the sheet. “None.”

  Know-All Nick breezed past them. He had brought his own pen and clipboard. He was in a group with Trevor, Alice and Mia.

  “What’s the matter? Stuck already, Bertie?” jeered Nick in his reedy voice.

  “No,” said Bertie. “We’ve answered loads.”

  “How many?”

  “Three,” lied Bertie.

  “We’ve done four,” boasted Nick. “And we’ve got them all right. I bet we get loads more right than you.”

  Bertie watched them hurry off in search of the next answer. He hated to be beaten at anything by Know-All Nick. He hadn’t forgotten the time Nick had taken the part he wanted in the Christmas play. If Nick’s team got top marks in the quiz, he would boast about it for weeks. Well, Bertie would show that smarty-pants show-off.

  “We’ve got to beat them,” he said. “We can’t let them win.”

  “How?” asked Darren. “They’ve got all the brainboxes in their group.”

  “They haven’t got me,” said Bertie.

  “Or me,” said Eugene.

  “Or me,” said Sandra.

  “No,” said Darren. “Like I said, they’ve got all the brainboxes.”

  “How long have we got left?” asked Bertie.

  Darren checked his watch. “Um … twenty … thirty … not that long.”

  “We’ll have to speed up,” said Bertie, taking charge. “If we whiz round we can find all the answers before them. Where to next?”

  Darren checked the sheet. “The library.”

  CHAPTER 3

  They charged along the corridor, with Bertie leading the way.

  “How many books are there?” Darren read out.

  Bertie looked at the shelves. “Millions.”

  “Better start counting then,” said a sneering voice. Know-All Nick leaned in the doorway.

  “We know the answer,” he smirked. “Want us to give you a clue?”

  “No. Get lost.” Bertie glared.

  “It’s so easy,” said Know-All Nick.

  “Yeah, easy-peasy,” said Trevor.

  “Come on,” said Nick to his team. “Let’s leave the dunces to work it out.”

  Bertie’s group charged upstairs. And downstairs. Up more stairs. Along corridors. Into broom cupboards. But however fast they went, Nick’s group always got to the answer before them.

  With time running out, they found themselves on the top floor. Bertie looked at their sheet. They’d left eight questions blank and Darren had doodled on two of them. Bertie didn’t feel that confident about the rest of their answers either.

  Bertie sighed. There was no way they were going to win. But they couldn’t just stand by and watch Nick come top. They had to do something.

  “Where are we?” said Eugene.

  Bertie read a label on the wall. “The Blue Bedroom. And look, this is the last question: ‘What can you see on the chamber pot?’”

  “What’s a chamber pot?” asked Darren.

  Bertie pointed. “Look! By the bed!”

  “Ha ha!” giggled Darren. “It’s a potty!”

  On a cabinet sat a pale-blue potty with a Chinese pattern.

  “Dragons,” said Bertie. “That’s the answer. It’s got dragons on it!”

  “Brilliant!” Darren wrote it down in the box. “Do you think we’re the first ones here?”

  “Looks like it,” said Eugene.

  Suddenly Bertie had an idea. “Why don’t we hide it?”

  “What?” said Eugene.

  “The potty. Then Nick’s team will never get the answer.”

  Sandra stared. “Miss Boot said we weren’t to touch anything.”

  “She’ll never know,” said Darren. “Anyway we’re not going to touch it. Bertie will.”

  “Me?” said Bertie.

  Darren shrugged. “It’s your idea. And I’m doing all the writing, I can’t do everything!”

  “I’m not touching it,” said Eugene, hastily.

  “Nor me,” said Sandra.

  Bertie hesitated. If he got caught he’d be in major trouble. But it would be worth it to see Nick’s face when he, Bertie, gave the right answer. He got down on his hands and knees to crawl under the rope barrier.

  “Hurry up!” hissed Darren. “Before anyone comes.”

  “I am hurrying!” Bertie reached out and made a grab for the potty, knocking over a candlestick. It rolled across the cabinet and clattered on to the floor.

  A moment later a much louder noise split the air.

  DDDDRRRRRIIIIIINNNG!

  Bertie turned pale.

  “You’ve set off the alarm!” gasped Darren.

  “Miss Boot’ll kill you,” said Eugene.

  “Told you so,” said Sandra.

  Bertie was dancing around with the potty in his hands. “What shall I do?” he cried.

  “I don’t know!” said Darren. “Hide it!”

  Bertie looked around in desperation. He could hear voices approaching. Feet thundering up the stairs. Any moment now they would burst in and he’d be caught. He did the only thing he could think of. He unzipped his jacket and stuffed the potty inside.

  CHAPTER 4

  Miss Boot’s gaze swept over the class like an icy wind.

  “Some foolish person has set off the alarm,” she said. “I trust none of you know anything about it.”

  The class shook their heads. Bertie tried not to look in Miss Boot’s direction. He was sweating. Could she see the big lump under his jacket? How on earth was he going to smuggle the potty back inside without getting caught?

  “The staff are checking the house to make sure nothing’s missing,” said Miss Boot. “So, while we are waiting, let’s go through the answers to the quiz.”

  The class took out their sheets of paper.

  “Right,” said Miss Boot. “Who can tell me the answer to question one?”

  Know-All Nick’s hand shot into the air.

  Twenty minutes later, Nick’s team had scored 28 marks out of 29. Bertie’s team had scored two.

  “Number 30, last question,” boomed Miss Boot. “In the Blue Bedroom, what can you see on the chamber pot?”

  Silence. Only one hand went up. It belonged to Bertie.

  “Bertie?” said Miss Boot, surprised. “You know the answer, do you?”

  “Yes, Miss. It’s dragons.”

  “Dragons?” Miss Boot checked her sheet. “The answer I have is sea monsters.”

  Bertie was outraged. “No! Dragons.”

  “I’m sorry, I have sea monsters here.”

  “But they’re dragons, Miss!”

  “No arguing, Bertie.”

  “But Miss, they are!”

  Miss Boot turned away. “Final scores then.”

  This was too much. Bertie unzipped his jacket.

  “Dragons,” he said. “Look, I’ll show you!”

  He held up the potty for everyone to see. Eugene covered his eyes.

  Miss Boot’s face turned white, then purple.

  “BERTIE,” she thundered. “WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?”

  “Oh, um … I can explain,” mumbled Bertie.

  “Bring it here. NOW!” ordered Miss Boot.

  Bertie pushed his way through the crowd. Now he was really for it. He was so b
usy worrying about his punishment, that he didn’t see Know-All Nick stick out a leg.

  Bertie tripped. The potty slipped from his grasp.

  CRAAAASH!

  There was a shocked silence. Bits of priceless potty littered the grass.

  Bertie looked up at Miss Boot.

  “Whoops!” he said. “Good job it was only an old one!”

  CHAPTER 1

  “A present? For me?”

  Bertie tore off the bag and stared at the black, shiny box.

  The Marvo Magic Set

  Amaze your friends!

  “A magic set?” he gasped.

  Gran smiled. “I saw it in a shop window and thought of you. Do you like it?”

  Like it? Bertie would have happily swapped his sister for a magic set. He’d always wanted to do magic. He ripped off the lid. Inside were cards, boxes and plastic cups – everything he needed to become a world famous magician. Bertie put on the black cloak and magician’s hat. He waved his magic wand.

  “Careful!” said Gran. “I don’t want you turning me into a toad!”

  Bertie stared at her. “You think I’ll be able to do real magic?” he asked.

  “Of course! With a bit of practice.”

  “Fantastic!” said Bertie.

  The set came with the Marvo Book of 101 Magic Tricks. It was a fat book with a lot of pages. Bertie didn’t have time to read it right now, he wanted to get started on some magic straight away.

  “Pick a card, Gran,” he said, holding out a pack. Gran took a card.

  “Don’t let me see it,” said Bertie. He screwed up his eyes, frowning hard.

  “The King of Hearts!” he said.

  “Goodness! So it is!” laughed Gran.

  “Really?” said Bertie, amazed.

  “Definitely,” said Gran. “The King of Hearts. How on earth did you guess?”

  “I don’t know,” said Bertie. “It must be magic!”

  Bertie could hardly believe it. This is fantastic, he thought. All these years I had magic powers and I never even knew!

  He rushed into the kitchen.

  “Mum! Mum! I can do magic!”

  “That’s nice,” said Mum, sipping her coffee.

  “No, listen – real magic! Ask me to make something disappear.”

  “OK … what about this?” Mum held up a half-eaten chocolate biscuit.

  “Watch!” said Bertie.

  He closed his eyes and thought magic thoughts. He waved his wand three times. When he opened his eyes, the biscuit had vanished.

  “See! I told you! Magic!” he said.

  “That’s amazing, Bertie!” said Mum, who seemed to have her mouth full.

  Bertie was on fire with excitement. He could do anything. He could turn his teachers to stone. He could make sweets grow on trees. He could make his sister his slave. Wait till he told his friends about this!

  Half an hour later, Bertie was standing in Eugene’s garden.

  “What are you going to do?” asked Eugene, nervously.

  “Just a magic spell,” said Bertie. “I’ve got to practise on someone.”

  “Why can’t you practise on Darren?”

  Darren shook his head. “It’s best to start on someone smaller. Why don’t you turn him into a spider?”

  “No!” cried Eugene. “I don’t like spiders!”

  “A worm, that’ll be easy, he looks like a worm,” grinned Darren.

  “All right,” said Bertie. “Close your eyes.”

  “Promise it won’t hurt?” said Eugene.

  “Go on!”

  Eugene reluctantly closed his eyes. Bertie covered his head with a black cloth.

  “It’s dark! I don’t like it!” wailed Eugene.

  “Keep your eyes closed! That’s the magic cloth,” said Bertie.

  “It’s not your hanky, is it? I don’t want your germs!”

  “Quiet!” said Bertie. “How can I do spells if you keep talking?”

  Bertie frowned. He raised his magic wand and chanted the magic words:

  Stinky pinky, ponky squirm,

  Change Eugene into a worm!

  He whipped off the magic cloth.

  “ARGHH!” screamed Darren.

  “What?” gasped Eugene.

  “Just your ugly face!” hooted Darren. “Ha ha!”

  Bertie couldn’t understand it. He’d waved his wand and repeated the spell, so why hadn’t it worked? When he’d tried the magic on Mum and Gran it had worked perfectly.

  “You opened your eyes,” he said.

  “It’s not my fault,” said Eugene. “You must have said it wrong.”

  “This is boring. Let’s do something else,” yawned Darren.

  “It will work,” said Bertie. “I just need a bit more practice.”

  Just then, Eugene’s mum stuck her head out of the back door.

  “Bertie!” she called. “Your mum’s on the phone!”

  Bertie sighed. He pocketed his wand and went inside.

  Darren watched him go.

  “Hey, Eugene,” he said. “Want to play a trick on Bertie?”

  “What kind of trick?”

  “A magic trick of course.”

  Eugene frowned. “Do I have to wear a hanky on my head?”

  “You don’t have to do anything,” said Darren. “Listen, this is what we do…”

  CHAPTER 2

  Five minutes later, Bertie was back. He looked around in surprise.

  “Where’s Eugene?”

  Darren didn’t answer. His mouth was open in astonishment.

  “L-l-look!” he said.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “There! Look!”

  Bertie stared. Eugene’s jumper lay on the grass. Something inside it was wriggling around. They both squatted down to take a closer look. A small pink head peeped out of the collar. It was followed by a long pink body.

  “See?” gasped Darren. “It worked!”

  “What?”

  “You did it! You actually turned Eugene into a worm!”

  Bertie stared. “That’s Eugene?”

  “It must be!”

  “But he was here a minute ago!”

  “I know. Then there was a flash of smoke and stuff – and the next minute he’d gone!”

  Bertie stared at the tiny wriggling worm. “You’re sure that’s him?”

  “Of course! That’s his jumper, isn’t it?”

  “Wow!” said Bertie. “I did it! I actually did it! I told you I could do magic!”

  The worm was wriggling its way across Eugene’s jumper, trying to escape. Bertie picked it up, letting it wriggle on the palm of his hand. It was slimy and cold to the touch.

  Bertie could see now that it was definitely Eugene. It had the same worried expression.

  “Careful,” said Darren. “Don’t drop him!”

  Bertie cupped Eugene in both hands so he couldn’t escape. This was incredible. Astonishing. He – the Amazing Bertie – had actually turned Eugene into a weeny wiggling worm. If he could do this, there was no limit to his magic powers. People would pay millions just to come and watch him perform…

  “No hurry,” said Darren, “but hadn’t you better change him back?”

  “What?”

  “Change him back. You can’t leave him like that. A blackbird might eat him.”

  Bertie hadn’t thought of that. Still, it shouldn’t be that difficult for a master magician. If he could turn Eugene into a worm, changing him back would be a piece of cake. He set Eugene down and covered him with the magic cloth. He raised his wand and waved it three times in the air.

  Biggly boggly, bogeys green,

  Turn this worm into Eugene!

  Bertie whipped off the magic cloth. The worm raised its head – or maybe its bottom, it was hard to tell. Bertie twiddled his wand.

  “Um … maybe we just need to wait a few minutes,” he said.

  CHAPTER 3

  The minutes ticked by. They were still staring at the worm on the grass.

/>   “This is not good,” said Darren. “This is a disaster. This is a—”

  “Yes, OK, don’t go on!” snapped Bertie.

  He couldn’t understand it. The spell had worked fine the first time, so what had gone wrong? Maybe he’d waved his wand too often or muddled the magic words. He tried the spell again – and again. Nothing happened. This was terrible. He’d changed Eugene into a wiggling worm and now he couldn’t bring him back!

  “What are we going to do?” he asked.

  “Don’t ask me,” said Darren. “You’re the magician!”

  “It’ll probably wear off,” said Bertie, hopefully. “Spells don’t last for ever, do they?”

  “What if it doesn’t?” said Darren. “What are you going to tell Eugene’s mum? She’ll go potty!”

  “Shut up!” said Bertie. “I just need to think.” He was pacing up and down the lawn. Maybe he should take Eugene home with him and consult his Marvo Book of 101 Magic Tricks?

  “EUGENE! Your supper’s ready!”

  Bertie froze in horror. Eugene’s mum was coming down the path towards them.

  “Quick – hide him!” hissed Darren.

  Bertie scooped up Eugene and slipped him into his pocket.

  Eugene’s mum stopped and gave them a puzzled look.

  “Where’s Eugene? I thought he was with you?”

  “No,” said Bertie. “He … um … he went in to change.”

  “Change?”

  “Yes, to change into something smaller,” said Darren, grinning.

  Bertie gave him a sharp kick. Eugene’s mum was looking at them as if they were up to something.

  “That’s odd. I didn’t see him come in,” she said.

  “Didn’t you?” said Bertie. “Maybe he just sneaked past.”