Pants! Read online

  Ten minutes later they arrived at Royston’s big house on Poshley Drive. Bertie’s mum buzzed the intercom at the gates.

  “Do come through!” sang Mrs Rich’s voice. “We’re in the pool!”

  The gates swung slowly open and Bertie trudged through with Whiffer at his heels. Screams and laughter came from the enormous swimming pool in the back garden.

  “Hi Bertie!” waved Darren, zooming down the slide and landing with a splash.

  Royston looked up. “Oh hello, Bertie! I thought you were too busy to come?”

  “I can’t stay long,” said Bertie, looking at his watch. “I’ve got people waiting.”

  “What do you think of my swimming pool? Super isn’t it?”

  Bertie shrugged. “It’s all right.”

  “You better get changed. We’re just about to start the wave machine!”

  Bertie wandered over to the barbecue where Mr Rich was cooking hot dogs and enormous steaks. Whiffer’s nose twitched at the smell of sausages.

  “Hey!” shouted Mr Rich.

  Bertie looked up. “Me?”

  “Yes, you. Is that your dog?”

  Bertie glanced down at Whiffer who was sniffing the meat. “He likes sausages.”

  “I don’t care what he likes, take him somewhere else and tie him up. I don’t want him near the food!”

  Bertie dragged Whiffer away and tied him to a post on the lawn tennis court. “Sorry, Whiffer,” said Bertie. “You stay there and I’ll get you something to eat!”

  Whiffer whined and pulled at his lead.

  “Sit!” commanded Bertie. “Sit!” Whiffer sniffed around then squatted down on his hind legs. Uh-oh – that could only mean one thing. Bertie glanced around, hoping no one had noticed. It was lucky he’d remembered to bring along his pooperscooper just in case. He scooped the lump of poop into a small plastic bag. Now where to get rid of it?

  He wandered back to the house, holding the bag at arm’s length. By the pool he almost bumped into Mrs Rich carrying a tray of lemonade. Mrs Rich stopped and stared at the bag in Bertie’s hand. She looked closer. Was that…? Good heavens! It was! She gasped.

  “It’s all right, it’s only dog poo,” said Bertie, holding the bag up for inspection.

  “Ugh! Take it away!” cried Mrs Rich.

  “I am taking it away,” said Bertie. “But I’m looking for a bin.”

  “By the back door!” Mrs Rich flapped a hand. “Take it away before you drop it!”

  Bertie walked on. He didn’t see why Royston’s mum was making such a big fuss. After all, dogs had to poo just like everyone else. And he’d been to a lot of trouble clearing it up – you would have thought she’d be grateful!

  He was so busy grumbling to himself that he didn’t notice the paper plate of raspberry jelly lying right in his path. Bertie stepped in the jelly and slipped. “Woaaaaaahhh!” He lost his balance and the bag slipped from his grasp. It sailed into the air and the lump of poop shot out like a torpedo.

  Up, up, up it rose…

  Then down, down, down – landing in the swimming pool with a loud PLOP!

  “Uh-oh,” said Bertie.

  CHAPTER 4

  Royston zoomed down the slide, landing in the deep end with a great splash. He came up spluttering for air. What was that floating in the water? Something brown like a leaf.

  “ARGGHHHH!” he shrieked. “A POO! THERE’S A POO IN THE POOL!”

  Bertie had never dreamed one little piece of doggy-do could cause so much panic. Thirty children scrambled to get out of the pool, screaming as if a killer shark was after them.

  “Do something!” cried Mrs Rich to her husband.

  Mr Rich fetched a net and fished around in the deep end. But the poop had sunk to the bottom and didn’t want to be caught.

  “Don’t worry,” said Royston. “My dad’ll sort it out. Then we can all go back in.”

  “Eeugh!” Donna pulled a face. “I’m not going in there!”

  “Nor me,” said Pamela. “It’s full of pooey germs.”

  “It’s yucky!”

  “It’s smelly!”

  “But what about the party?” asked Eugene. “What are we going to do?”

  Bertie pulled on his eyepatch and leaped on to a sunbed.

  “Who wants to come back to my house for a pirate party?” he cried.

  “Can we have sword fights?” asked Darren.

  “Of course!” nodded Bertie. “And walking the plank. And a treasure hunt – with real chocolate coins!”

  “Chocolate? Why didn’t you say so before?” said Darren. “Come on!”

  Thirty children charged out of the gates and down the road with Black-Eyed Bertie leading the way. It was going to be a brilliant birthday after all, he thought, and all thanks to Whiffer and his pongy present!

  Copyright

  STRIPES PUBLISHING

  An imprint of Little Tiger Press

  1 The Coda Centre, 189 Munster Road,

  London SW6 6AW

  Characters created by David Roberts

  Text copyright © Alan MacDonald, 2007

  Illustrations copyright © David Roberts, 2007

  First published as an ebook by Stripes Publishing in 2012.

  eISBN: 978–1–84715–396–8

  The right of Alan MacDonald and David Roberts to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work respectively has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.

  All rights reserved.

  Apart from any use permitted under UK copyright law, this publication may only be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, in any forms, or by any means, with prior permission in writing of the publishers or, in the case of reprographic production, in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  www.stripespublishing.co.uk